A woman, an African American, or a senior citizen will be running the free world next year. Bloggers and news reporters are curiously obsessed with this very simple, very unimportant fact. Not to downplay the victory for civil/womens’/crotchety folks’ rights, but regardless of who occupies the Oval Office, the policy initiatives will be the same. Issues like welfare, Medicare, Social Security, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, etc., have no sense of history—they won’t relent because the President looks different than any previous executive. So pardon me for thinking that all this “we are the world” hoopla is slightly misguided.
So where, exactly, do the candidates stand on the issues? You’ll be glad to know that I am a political science major, I own two televisions, I read the NY Times at least three times a week, and I am privileged with the company of sage professors and informed citizens. Naturally, I don't know a thing about any of the candidates. I didn’t vote in the primaries despite the pump-up “Super Tuesday” banner, mostly because I wouldn’t know what the hell I was doing. My ignorance, however, makes me uniquely qualified to speak for the rest of America, most of which is equally clueless. In the interest of discharging my civic duty this November, I’ve decided to break down the three remaining candidates in terms I understand.
1 The Collagen Candidate: Hillary “Not Bill” Clinton
Reasons to vote for her:
While the rest of us were obsessing over Monica Lewinsky’s blowjobs, Bill Clinton was busy…well…obsessing over Monica Lewinsk’s blowjobs. According to the Starr Report, Clinton would talk to Congressmen over the phone while receiving oral sex, somehow managing to juggle the phone, Lewinsky’s two breasts, and a coherent conversation. THAT is leadership. If Hillary has learned anything from her superhero husband, we can look forward to some combination of the following: a capable, intelligent stance on domestic and foreign issues, a sex scandal, a drugs/sex/rock ‘n roll brouhaha involving First Man Bill Clinton, and an influx of blogs tracking Hillary’s botox treatments over the course of her administration.
Reasons not to vote for her:
Despite my affinity for Bill—the best President of my lifetime—Hillary has zero administrative experience. She stretched our tolerance by carpetbagging the NY Senate seat, and is doing so further by claiming that her Senatorial experience, in conjunction with numerous terms as First Lady in Arkansas and Washington, qualifies her to run the country. In addition, she can't clap with the beat—a sign that she will alienate the musician/non-white demographic.
2 The Carcinogen Candidate: Barack "Don't Call Me Muslim" Obama
Reasons to vote for him:
Not only would “President Obama” be an intimidating title for a Commander-in-Chief, but Obama has displayed poise and stoicism during an unduly stressful period. A number of people can say they’ve run for office, but how many can say they’ve done it while quitting smoking? We haven’t lent enough credence to his leadership potential—after putting down the pack during a dead-heat nomination race, what could possibly phase him? Like Bill Clinton, Obama is blessed with an otherworldly ability to multitask, as well a similar predilection for vice.
Reasons not to vote for him:
The American President is the world’s most visible public figure. As such, a candidate must be dynamic and impressive in all arenas—public speaking, private conversations, in writing, and even on Comedy Central. Hence, Exhibit A for keeping Obama out of the White House is an August 22, 2007 Daily Show interview. If Jon Stewart can’t bring you out of your shell, no one—not even Monica Lewinsky—can.
3 The Cuckold Candidate: John "Can't Remember Where He Parked" McCain
Reasons to vote for him:
McCain's dubious affair with a woman thirty years his junior has vaulted him into the cosmos with the 18-35 Pervert demographic. Furthermore, his earnest denial that a sexual relationship took place should endear him with every other group, from those who authentically believe him to those who think he’s just trying to keep the campaign centered on the relevant issues. Of course, there’s also his honorable military record and years of public service. John McCain is the IHOP candidate—hearty, totally American, and a fixture on our cultural landscape.
Reasons not to vote for him:
At 71, McCain might more closely resemble IHOP’s geriatric clientele than the actual establishment. Apologists exculpate his seniority by claiming that his detention as a Vietnam POW makes him more durable than others his age. Boosters point to his continued vitality, maintaining that his chronological age has not impacted his ability to perform (we’ll leave that up to his wife, and maybe Vicki Iseman, but point taken).
Nonetheless, McCain will be 72 if and when he is inaugurated, meaning that he’d be 80 years old by the end of a would-be second term. This raises two issues: first, although he is currently of sound mind and body, there is no guarantee that his capacities will remain intact. Might world leadership adversely impact his well-being? It well may. Second, let’s say McCain is reelected in 2012. One year later, at 77, he passes away. The abnormal probability that something like this might occur makes it imperative to judge McCain’s candidacy based on his choice for Vice President. With the very real possibility that this individual may run the country for two or three years, America must be assured that he/she is capable.
I nominate Bill Clinton.
Stay Super, Tuesday
DJ Delegate
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