Thursday, April 26, 2007

I Just Lost $1.7 Billion

I had a simple business idea about 7 months ago. The specifics are irrelevant, because all I know is this: while I was sitting on my ass telling friends about it, somebody else had the exact same idea, and sold it for $1.7 billion. Not million--BILLION. Do you know how much money that is? Because I sure as hell don't, but now I intend to find out, just so that I don't have to live under a constant cloud, perched 'neath a gaseous manifestation of my misery.

While running through the various permutations for $1.7 billion, I received clarity on one thing: I have no idea what I would do with that much money. Say, for starters, that I put a billion of it away in a CD or mutual fund. That leaves $700 million in liquid money. Here's what I'm thinking:

-buy Pita Hot (a schawarma restaurant in Queens), guarantee lafas on demand for the rest of my life
-backpack through New Zealand
-a very unhealthy weekend in Vegas
-buy beautiful houses all across the world (Manhattan, Tsfat, Auckland, Tuscany, Argentina), equip all of them with ice sculputres and home recording studios
-drop out of school, move to Boston, take classes at Harvard
-pay the voiceover guy from the movies to narrate my mundanities like any one of them could trigger the apocalypse ("In a time when Joey passes out on the couch, terror could reign at any moment")
-start a band, hire the best musicians in the world to record an album, put my name on it, win a Grammy
-buy the rights to Panic! at the Disco, kill them
-pay whatever it takes for Justin Timberlake to sleep with me, produce an epic super-baby

What would YOU do? There's got to be something big I'm missing, but the slave mentality is keeping me out of those echelons of aspiration. For now, I'll continue scrounging up change for a Dunkin Donuts trip. Lord help me if I can't put a single donut on my debit card.

Stay Subpar, fantasy world
DJ Destitute

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