Ladies and gentlemen, history is upon us. I shall now copy/paste for you my skeleton concert calendar for May, which will be the greatest run of live performance to run in and out of New York since Giuliani cleaned up Times Square.
5/9: Arcade Fire at Radio City Music Hall
5/10: ALO Bowery Ballroom
5/10: Air Theater at MSG
5/11: Damian and Stephen Marley Nokia
5/10-13: 4 Generations of Miles with Mike Stern at the Iridium
5/14: LCD Soundsystem at Webster Hall
5/21: Damien Rice at Radio City
5/25: The Juan Maclean at Element
5/25: STS9 at Crobar
5/26: Mos Def at Highline Ballroom
5/30: Roger Waters at MSG
And this is only a partial list. And this only covers two-thirds of May. And this only includes the shows that have been announced so far. This is enough to satisfy even the most gluttonous pedophile, even the one who, as Dave Attell so insightfully observed, races to the nearest magic show or playground as soon he/she alights from a plane.
Now, under normal circumstances I’d spend a few paragraphs lamenting my Passover, but I’ve decided against it for a few reasons. First, it’s way too indulgent, not to mention self-centered—there are probably thousands of people who were worse off and more frustrated than me. Second, Passover has passed over, and there is a national reprieve period for the next while, so why waste recess complaining about class?
Enough about holidays and religious compulsions; it’s time to discuss two things: Zach’s religious-Zionist argument and Don Imus calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team a bunch of “nappy haired hos.”
We’ll start with Zach: in response to a few blogs ago, in which I postulated that an ideal life is one in which one either chooses complete religiosity or complete non-observance, Zach suggested that, for the Jewish believer, living in Israel offers an inherent compromise. Since everything an Israeli does at least indirectly benefits the country’s socioeconomic climate, Mr. Reich offered, you can disengage from direct religious observance and still further the Jewish cause. For instance, a shoemaker living in Israel makes the shoes that Israelis wear, which get them to the places to which they have to go in order to work for their country.
I have two things to say about this. First, good point. Second of all, even if we assume that Zach’s premise is correct, I’m not sure it relates exactly to the point I was making. Mine was a more abstract, isolated argument, in which each person is an entity unto him/herself, and one’s life choices are complete severed from one’s geography, society, and fellow humans. So even though Zach’s point makes more sense than mine—since his operates in the real world and mine operates in a world in which I’m married to Angelina Jolie and I’m touring the world with a debauched, marauding hair-metal band and not contracting syphilis—I’m not sure we’re talking about the same exact thing.
And now to Don Imus. My initial reaction to what he said was something like, “Oh shit, what a dumbass.” My secondary reaction was, “Oh shit, the Rutgers women are meeting with him to discuss this?! What dumbasses.” And my third reaction was, “If Snoop Dogg can say, ‘I once had a bitch named Mandy May / Used to be up in them guts like every day,’ then maybe this all isn’t so bad.”
I’m sticking with my third reaction. People say abhorrent things all the time, and we generally agree that their comments are inevitable events in the world of discourse and conversation. Someone, after all, has to take up the rear, has to represent the very worst of the Snoop-Howard Stern-Iranian President Achmenifjadoasdfoijasdflasdfjasdfoijsdadf verbal ecosystem. Some of them—Snoop, Howard, etc—are visionaries, and some—the Prez from Iran, Don Imus—are douchebags. Still, it’s important, in some cosmic way, that there be people who say and express the ridiculous, if only to further glorify, in context, the Jon Stewarts among us.
Just remember—God’s best friends are Irish.
Stay slurring, radio hosts,