Thursday, April 19, 2007

Sex: Macaroni and Static

Due to recent developments, I am no longer able to deploy the two acts that I am about to transcribe. For lack of a more eloquent—or apt—description, these are the sickest, most awesome ways to prank a girl/guy. I thought of them because, about two months ago, I was presented with an opportunity to use one (or both) of these, but I passed it up. Now it seems like I’ll never get to do either of them myself, but I’m hoping that someone will read this and get inspired to use one/both. All I ask of that person is for them to buy a webcam and let me watch.

Just one more thing: these is not intended to shame anyone or throw someone into disrepute. These are all meant in good fun—not to damage somebody’s body or reputation. That said, these are pretty kick-ass; use them at your discretion.

1. Mac ‘N Cheese Please

I’m putting this one first for two reasons—I like it the best, and also because this is the one I was most seriously considering. Here’s the setup: before you go out on a date, set up one or two warming trays full of macaroni and cheese under your bed (the kind they use at catered events, with the blue flame heaters and silver tins); the gooier the better. Make sure it doesn’t get too hot, because you don’t anyone getting scalded. After your date, take the girl/guy back to your place, and somehow get him/her onto your bed.
After the hanky panky or what have you, look them dead in the eyes, smile mischievously, and say, “I have a little surprise for you.” Calmly reach under the bed and grab a tray full of mac ‘n cheese. Proceed to pour it on them, and make sure to make yourself seem like a total psychopath. Scream things like, “Dinner is served,” or “Bon appetit,” or just start eating the concoction off of them.
Later, when they ask about it, pretend that you have no idea what they’re talking about.

2. The Balloon

This one will only work on folks who like getting roughed up. Let them know you’re totally down with s&m, and you have the craziest sex torture device they’ve ever seen back at your place. When he/she comes over, make gentle, normal love to him/her. When they ask about the violence, give them the same glaring look described in the mac ‘n cheese scenario, and then take out a balloon, blow it up, rub it against the wall, and then make their hair stand up. Make sure you say stuff like, “You like that, bitch?” and “This is a how a real soldier fights,” and “If you tell anyone about this I’ll tie your wrists with twine.”

Again, please let me know if you want to use these. I’ll pay for the webcam.

Stay in surveillance, sex acts
MC Macaroni

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