Friday, February 23, 2007

Girls Are Fucking Nuts, Part 1

When God created Adam, He had the right idea: let's keep it to dudes. But Adam got lonely, beseeched His Almighty for some company, and God ripped open his chest, tore out a rib, and created Eve. Then there was that whole fiasco with the apple, and we all know how the rest went.
An alternative version: there was a box full of hardship and evil. A woman named Pandora opened it. Again, we all know the rest.

History really does repeat itself. Since those female archetypes, women haven't gotten any more sane or reasonable. They're still chemically imbalanced, desperately unstable, and caustic to the touch. I love women, but, in the last few days, it's become abundantly clear that a psychologically sound girl is extremely hard to come by. But instead of making unbased claims, I will go directly to Exhibit A, a late-night online conversation between my roommate Yehudah and a female friend of his (for the purposes of this, "Crazy Girl 1," to be referred to in the following exchange as "CG1."

> CG1 (2:35:09 AM): so you coming tom?
> Yehuda (2:35:26 AM): whats tom?
> CG1 (2:35:37 AM): i put it on your wall
> CG1 (2:35:44 AM): have you not checked facebook recently?
> Yehuda (2:36:31 AM): oh yah, i got all excited bout you putting a
> message on my wall then it turned out to be nothing
> Yehuda (2:36:41 AM): well not nothing
> Yehuda (2:36:54 AM): but disapointing none the less
> CG1 (2:37:05 AM): eff you
> CG1 (2:37:22 AM): you don't deserve a personal message
> CG1 (2:37:26 AM): so are you coming or what
> Yehuda (2:37:31 AM): dont be mean
> CG1 (2:37:41 AM): dont be mean, either
> CG1 (2:37:56 AM): and could you stop text messaging me every time you want to chill
> CG1 (2:38:20 AM): bc if you really wanted to see me, you would call,
> and i don't care if you only sort of wantg to see me
> Yehuda (2:38:36 AM): yikes
> CG1 (2:38:58 AM): yikes nothing
> CG1 (2:39:10 AM): don't make me out to be the crazy over dramatic girl
> CG1 (2:39:22 AM): i'm not freaking out, i'm just saying
> Yehuda (2:39:51 AM): i hear
> CG1 (2:39:56 AM): wtvr
> CG1 (2:40:01 AM): so are you coming?

No, he's not coming, CG1.

Next , we'll take an example from my life. And ex of mine stole thousands of my CD's, a huka, and a blanket, and has repeatedly insisted that she'll give them back if I meet her in person. Not willing to do so, I find myself in a quandary. Once again, Yehuda came to my aid, summarizing my experience in almost mythological terms. Just for clarity, you should know that her address was recently, and fittingly, changed to 666. I'm being completely serious.

"God was giving warning to all wayfarers to pay heed to where their wondering spirits trodden, so as not to be consumed by the evilness that lurks within the dwelling of that lascivious residence, which houses the mythical dark angel known as "The Builderbeest" (a close, evil cousin to the normally gregarious "wildebeest"). The Builderbeest marks it's territory with it's own waste and fecal matter, which, from an aerial point of view, researchers have now found resembles a giant penis. Should one stumble into the territory marked by the ominous 666, they will surely fall pray to her aphrodisiacal deep grunts, resembling the sounds of a giant croaking frog. Unfortunately this will be the last sound most travelers will hear. With the sniper-like accuracy, the Builderbeest will launch precision guided "compact discs" (otherwise known as CDs, acquired from previous conquests) at trespassers tracheas, instantly slicing them open, and then proceeding to rob them of all other personal possessions which she deems valuable. Objects such as hookahs, blankets, kitchen sets, pots and pans, human hearts, and more compact discs have all been found in the lecherous lair of the Builderbeest. Noteworthy is that researchers still have yet to find any morals or ethics within the confines of the carnal cave, but the search is on."

Installment 2 coming soon.....

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