Friday, February 23, 2007

Being a Good Musician Requires a Serious Drug Habit

Lets be honest, people: the only way to understand the way things really work is with an eighth of blue-polka-dotted mushrooms, a rain poncho, and a xanax in case things get nasty. And while were being honest, lets all admit that tiger woods is the most boring sports personality of our generation.
Now that thats of our collective chest, I wish to announce that I discovered the secret to being a great musician. You have be an musical asshole, i.e. exist in music like the guy in high school who slept with every girl in the grade and then didn't call any of them back. You have to play without worrying about entertaining an audience, or pleasing your own superhuman performance standards, or pushing for a record deal. If you ever watch marco benevento improvise a zeppelin solo, youll know what I mean. He doesnt remotely care what anybody thinks, and, from the look on his face, it doesnt seem like he even knows that other people are there.
Bands with image as their primary concern die out quickly. Boybands and teen divas all have their day in the Hollywood sun before receding into forgottenness, and the few who last do so because of inherent talent (Michael Jackson, c. Aguilera, guns n roses), but they still lack the legitimacy of bands that really never gave a shit, like rage against the machine, floyd, band of gypsys, p-funk, and absolutely anything stevie wonder played on.
I hate to do this to the band that got me through high school, but remember what happened to MetallicA? From 1981 to 1996, they owned the dont-give-a-shit platform. After they cut their hair and released Load in '96, it was only a matter of time until the bassist quit, the singer went to rehab and almost never came back, they put out a movie about how overly-sensitive and unstable they are, and then released the worst-conceieved album (St. Anger) since Songs for the Hip Actuarial Firm. Caring about image is musical poison, up there with releasing a country crossover album, or performing your one hit at an awards show with bruce springsteen (a la the wallflowers), or marrying yoko ono.
But, in all seriousness, have you ever watched tiger woods, expecting him to erupt in celebration after he seals the masters with a 1,000-yard birdie, except that he never does? Factor in his Barbie doll European wife, trillions of dollars, and iconic celebrity, and his depressing behavior on the course is really inexcusable. He makes me sick.

Stay morose tiger, I might hate you forever,
MC MetallicA used to rule, what the hell

No comments: