Saturday, February 24, 2007

Taking requests--I'll have nap, make it a double

I've been deluged with blog subject requests the past few days--and by deluged, I mean that yakir and samara both asked me for one, on separate, days-apart occasions. But still, my self image being what it is, and with an hour and a half to kill before I further damage that self-image at open bar hour on the upper east side, those two requests feel somewhat daunting. Hence deluge.
We'll set out in chronological order, with a pyschological phenomenon so evil, so vile, so poisonous, heinous, acidic, and revolting that it sent the veritably self-assured yakir hyman to my disappointingly unfunny facebook wall (but that is a discussion for another day). Yakir asked why it is that, when one is talking to a girl and one laughs during conversation, the girl typically misconstrues your laughter to mean that you're laughing at her.
Oh wait--I just had an idea. We're going to address the second request simultaneously: Samara asked me to expound on why it is, exactly, that women haven't realized that breasts rule the universe, and that women possess a boundless power supply against which no male force can contend. I mean, seriously, cleavage is so persuasive that America wouldn't be in this Iraq mess right now if President Bush caught a gander of some fleshy iraqi boob. See how bad the burqa is for world peace?
So, as I'll try to demonstrate (now that Scrubs is over and I can concentrate again), the two answers are interrelated. Why do girls think you're laughing at them when you're clearly not? Why don't girls understand bosom power? The answer is one and the same, and it comes courtesy of Elliot, the eminently attractive, tragically insecure blonde doctor on Scrubs.
Inside every woman, 16 or 60, is an insecure teenager wreaking havoc on her psyche. Listen to me closely, because I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't mean to say that women are emotionally fragile psychologial lightweights whose self-worth shortcomings engender distorted perceptions of reality and failure to recognize their potency. I don't mean to say this at all (although, after re-reading the last sentence, I think this blog could go a whole different direction if it was aimed at a chauvanists-only audience. That direction? North-northeast.)
No, I mean to say that women CHOOSE to have those self-defeating thoughts. They opt for it, in the interest of fairness. I've always been of the opinion that women are smarter and more capable than men. You don't think they know that you're not laughing at them? Or that their busts pack more punch than tyson (before buster took him down)? Of COURSE they do, but women--in addition to smart--are nurturing, caring, considerate, and empathetic. They don't want to destroy male-kind, even though they could. So they don't dominate the world with their breasts because they're too nice to do it, too concerned with our delicate egos and machismo to claim what could easily be theirs.
As for the laughing, that's a trickier question--if they're so smart, why are they getting this wrong? Well again, they're not. That's just the behavioral byproduct that results from them manifesting their insecure teenager: it's a double edged-sword that, while it protects us men from being sublimated to every female we come across, also puts women in an intensified, over-analytical space, a space in which an innocent laugh, eye roll, or hand gesture could be misinterpreted ad infinitum.
We should be thankful to women. That they operate within that attitude is out of consideration for us; consequently, if it makes them a little misguided sometimes, we just have to shut up and masturbate.

Stay deluded, interpersonal impressions,
DJ Dapper

ps--did i just write that?

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