Dear Catholic community,
It has come to my attention, via the vehemently anti-Christian CNN.com, that Pope Benedict XVI recently came under heavy scrutiny for controversial remarks regarding Muslims. Please allow me to express my deepest empathy for Pope Benedict and his position. Meanwhile, I have, with the aid of psychedelic drugs, devised a remedy for your Church's reputation: install me, Joseph Leichman, as your new Pope, effective immediately.
Trust me, I go on Craigslist all the time, and I know that what the world wants--demands, even--is office skills. Any job these days requires familiariy with Excel, Powerpoint, Word, Quickbooks, and one-word-a-second word processing. I doubt the Pope, despite his vast Biblical knowledge and impeccable robe taste, can manipulate a spreadsheet quite like me. I can interview prospective employees/archbishops, balance your finances, and reduce costs with FedEx's coporate plan. I also have excellent customer service skills (remember your little squabble with the Protestants? Well, I dont; and if you hire me, neither will you).
I know, I know--I'm overqualified. But now is a time for action, not nice-isms, and your Church is in dire need of an image change. After you blamed my people for killing Jesus, you've been pretty unpopular with us. But with Yom Kippur coming up, I'll slip you into the right synagogue, you'll write a check, and you'll be welcome to whitefish salad and cheap vodka all the way through Hanukah.
One more word about the Jews: mine are a people of care and concern. And it is in that spirit that I will offer the current Pope a very comfortable middle-management position when I take over his pulpit, something with a generous salary and good benefits. Enough to raise a family on, even. I know he's into the whole celibacy thing, and that he's like 80-something, so the chances of him having a family are pretty low, but if he wanted to have one, he totally could. And I'd assure that the whole Benedict clan would go to only the best dentists and optometrists in all of Vatican City. This I promise.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves; it will be at least two months before I can take over as Pope, since now is the peak season for flights to Italy, and there's no reason to pay frankensense and myrrh prices in September when we could pay a pedestrian fare in November. So, while I get my dimensions taken for the Pope-mobile and work on my Roman lexicon, tell Pope Benedict to lay low and not say anything disparaging about militant religious groups before I get there.
See you Thanksgiving!!
P.S. holla back.