Friday, February 23, 2007

Is it hot in here, or is it just me? No, it's just hot in here

Lets examine the impact of global warming. First, I think someone ought to define the exact terms that apply, just so theres no absence-of-glossary confusion. Second, since its very hot today, its worth it to point out the immediacy of its presence.

To start with, here are the terms that anyones gotta know: global warming refers to the gradual, yet quantifiable, rise of the average daily temperature. The sun is a circular mass of heat, light, and energy, and is the only thing in which she is happy. For those who dont understand that last clause, please download some Ben Harper. Speaking of, Ben Harper is the man I would most want to date if I were a woman. He is also Jewish. Jewish, meanwhile, refers to me.

That said, lets use some imaginary numbers to create a completely fabricated scenario that probably has no realistic foundation. If the average summer day in New York was a reasonable 89 degrees farenheit 10 years ago, scientists maintain that the average temperature now is somewhere a little over 90. While it may not take its toll today, and probably wont feel tangibly different for another few decades, the aggregate effect of a rising climate will be devastating, should it persist. Millions of women would dig deeper into their pockets for run-proof makeup (and, if KISS ever had a reunion tour in 10 years, who knows how much theyd shell out for their getup??), and, at any instantaneous moment, the innocuous neighborhood sandbox might transmorph into an 8x10 molten magma deathtrap. For those of you who dont fear magma, please rent Austin Powers.

But weve barely covered the tip of the fast-melting iceberg. If it keeps on getting hotter, John Mayer could melt on summer tour. Madonna would be terribly sunburned, save for the 7 slits on her arm perpetually covered by phylacteries. Hot Hot Heats bandname would be woefully redundant from April until October, and sweatshop labor would almost quadruple in response to increased beach-towel-and-five-dollar-flip-flops demand.

If it keeps on getting hotter in here, were all gonna take off all our clothers. Nelly might be happy for a while, but he wouldnt be too pleased when his beloved St. Louis loses its baseball team because birds, subject to the sun at altitudes that humans are not, would become extinctcardinals included. I, for one, would not venture outdoors very often, save for jaunts to the video store and the endless path to happiness. That was a good line. But seriously, G-D forbid. That's sounds pretty shitty.

And, while were on the subject of journeys, nobody would even joke about walking 500 miles to be anybodys man, much less walking 500 more. Not even in song. It would just be too unrealistic, since not even Forrest Gump would be dumb enough to walk 1,000 miles in blinding heat. In fact, I would venture to say that if Mr. Gump were to live 100 years from now, hed take his shrimping fortune, buy a centrally-air-conditioned house for Jenny and him, and never would be heard from again. Moreover, nobody would remember the Alamo, since the very notion of San Antonio getting warmer is appalling.

Stay warm San Diego, oh so warm

MC Meteorology

ps---anybody see entourage this week? bad episode all around, save for ari boinking his wife in that loft space

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