Friday, February 23, 2007

A Few Things Every Girl Should Know

Things have been getting a little too spiritual aorund here, and it's making me uncomfortable. Time to get back to where I belong, in the sex-drugs-rocknroll arena. I was thinking reeling over relationships today, since most of my committed friends are either depressed or unsatisfied. As for me, I've had more than my share of shit, but I'd get back in the saddle if I met somebody who meets the following three pre-requisites:

1--enjoys, makes, and laughs at word associations

2--appreciates anchorman, but is sympathetic towards veronica corningstone

3--able to go to a concert and say something more than "this shit fucking rocks," "it's so's really loud," "why does that guitar only have 4 strings," and, "trey's so awesome."

In fact, while I'm outlining key behaviors, I might as well mention, on behalf of all my XY chromosomal brothers, that THE MOST crucial trait is empathy. It is vital to be able to step into a guy's shoes and understand his simplistic plight, since guys don't really want your help with their problems; they just want to be validated and left alone to deal. As long you can sit for five minutes, nod attentively, and say something nice--even if it's totally artificial--you can deal with virtually any guy problem. Here's a scenario:

Guy: I can't believe my boss. He's such an asshole

Girl: [Nodding gravely]

Guy: He's such a dick.

Girl: Oh, well that's too bad. That must be really hard for you.

Guy: It's harder than anyone realizes.

Girl: [Nodding again, this time slower and with wide eyes]

Guy: Well, whatever. I'm just gonna pop on the game and relax.

Girl: [Smiles]

That's all you have to do. No problem solving, no miracles. Just attention, legitimization, and calm. Think of yourself as a therapist--you're not allowed to suggest a course of action, but you are professionally obligated to act like someone else's problems deeply upset your life also. It's mostly nodding, smiling, empathizing, and collecting a fee.

Stay problematic, con edison in astoria

MC jugger-not

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