Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Sports are a Poison, Sleeping with Bridesmaids is Not

Remember the two minutes of "Wedding Crashers" where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson go from wedding to wedding, pretending to be whichever religion or ethnicity that the situation demanded? Remember how that made you, the paying consumer, feel? Pretty damn good. Here were two guys, already aiming for sexual greatness, who used all the savvy and cunning they had to make their dream a reality.
That's why sports today are toxic. Except for a bunch of culturally irrelevant features in ESPN the magazine, there is no celebration of the spectacular. Awards are won--and contracts are signed--based on suffiency. What's the most important stat in basketball, for instance? Scoring AVERAGE. Not "most kick-ass games," not "the most breathtaking punch in your opponent's balls because you're super pissed that they're scoring off you," and definitely not "Times you cheat to try to win." In the world that we admire, people do anything--a little harmless cheating, pretending you're Jewish to nail some kosher bridesmaids, whatever--to do what has to be done. Enough with averages. Sports are a poison that we have to detoxify with a special blend of immorality, artifice, and maybe, just maybe, the legalization of marijuana.

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